lady gaga you drama queen

its been a while since we really talked,
its been a while since we shared thoughts

its been a while since i heard you laugh,
till your cheeks were red and all puffed

it’s been a while since we talked tough,
or talk real slow when things got rough

its been a while since a lot of things,
i do wonder why new beginnings?

when up and down brings you the same place around,
i wonder if anything was meant to be found

if the ending takes a dangerous path,
could i walk through with my mouth masked?

im scared to live the past so weak,
i don’t want to become the emo psycho freak

wanted dead or alive

What Ive been trying to say here is that this girl has been suffering for a couple of months now and has shared her tears to the world. She created a site and poured her heart out as if it was a way for him to listen to her. She kept calling him, she never stopped thinking about him and the most painful part is that she could not move on without him. No matter how many words of ‘please come back to me’ were typed out, no matter how much tears she has shed for him, no one has the ability to bring back the dead.

Anis Lamien, 2009

Her post had brought me to tears. though im often boyish and ‘tough’ on the outside, my insides are like marshmallow. the victim of the story, the girl, had to let her boyfriend return to where we all began, before we all existed. i can’t empathize with her because i’ve never lost someone that important to me. losing my grandparents was heartbreaking. i had to skip class cheer and class just because i couldn’t bear with the fact that people would see my swollen red eyes and ask me “what’s wrong”. it would only make the tears pour again.

back to her story, it intrigued me the most to see the resemblance between us. ’she created a site to pour her heart out’, isn’t this what this blog is for? ’she kept calling him’, yes i did till i hear slightest sound of the ringing tone, thats when i hang up. ’she never stopped thinking about him’, i know a lot of people who could back me up on this. ‘please come back to me’, i’d say it every time your face flashes through my mind.

no, my boyfriend did not die.. but i did lose him for a month, or even two. it was painful to watch you slip away right in front of my eyes and i couldn’t do anything. it was painful to know no one tried to prevent it on my behalf, but then again, no one who cared that much about me ever knew. it was painful to lose you to her, oh how i despised her. when you’re digging for the truth, you often won’t find it. probably because sometimes, it’s for the better of you. but when it does hit you, its like getting hit by a train while you’re tied to the tracks. painful and long.

those 30+ days were horrible. assignment week, exam month, cheer weekend. the most important time of the semester and i had to go through all that with a knife in my chest. that was a tad too emo but heh, you can relate to that feeling right? i remember having to strive to distract myself for as long as i was awake. i did. i went to school and saw as many friends as i could. i would come back at 10pm when i’d normally come back at 5pm. but as soon as i step into my room, i was reminded of everything. the truth, what we had, what we could’ve had, the reality of it all. i remember sleeping with tears and waking up with swollen eyes. having make up was pretty handy then.

i really do not know how i got through that or even, the time i was back home. all i do know is that, i got you back. by accident, by intention, by reason. and we’re here now. i realize that i’ve gotten of that roller coaster. no more adrenalin rush when you text me, no more moody depression when you don’t. i’m stable and we’re smooth, like a ferris wheel. it’s not the ride of your life, but it’s the ride that makes you realize everything around you, makes you think, makes you breathe.

the next few word would probably be the happiest ones in this whole blog, i love you :)

three-in-one deal huh?

for once i wasn’t smiling from ear to ear as i was packing. for once i didn’t ‘tersengih-sengih’ in the plane. for once i did not know who to call once i landed.

even when i wanted some peacful quiet time with someone i know and trust, it just had to be disruptedwith some kinda shit. oh scrath that, how about all the shit i could ever think of facing once im back. in one effing night, the father figure called twice to make sure i was sent home. you were jamming with him, kudos to her for initiating the idea and tagging along.

so yeah, thats it. all 3 people somehow cleverly twisted around my life, never failing to make me feel like the shit caught in between one’s tyre grooves.

paranoia is my disturbia

every red myvi. every ou visit. every lepak session.

i’m paranoid. i’m sensitive. i’m distracted.

i’m psycho

total 180?

facebook: i miss you so so badly, really.

so maybe, i can continue with my plan without it backfiring. but whats the right result anyway?