its been a while since i heard you laugh,
till your cheeks were red and all puffed

it’s been a while since we talked tough,
or talk real slow when things got rough

its been a while since a lot of things,
i do wonder why new beginnings?

when up and down brings you the same place around,
i wonder if anything was meant to be found

if the ending takes a dangerous path,
could i walk through with my mouth masked?

im scared to live the past so weak,
i don’t want to become the emo psycho freak

of course i know i’m over reacting. or rather, im being the unstable drama queen that i really am. i really am a clingy person but i don’t like an unstable other. i like my space but i like it to be invaded. i like to be adored but i act like i have a stone cold heart. i’m very straight forward but i often come of to be a confusing character.

i talk too much.

back to the straight forward bit, i just miss you a hell lot.
and the circumstances that i’m in don’t make it any easier.

What Ive been trying to say here is that this girl has been suffering for a couple of months now and has shared her tears to the world. She created a site and poured her heart out as if it was a way for him to listen to her. She kept calling him, she never stopped thinking about him and the most painful part is that she could not move on without him. No matter how many words of ‘please come back to me’ were typed out, no matter how much tears she has shed for him, no one has the ability to bring back the dead.

Anis Lamien, 2009

Her post had brought me to tears. though im often boyish and ‘tough’ on the outside, my insides are like marshmallow. the victim of the story, the girl, had to let her boyfriend return to where we all began, before we all existed. i can’t empathize with her because i’ve never lost someone that important to me. losing my grandparents was heartbreaking. i had to skip class cheer and class just because i couldn’t bear with the fact that people would see my swollen red eyes and ask me “what’s wrong”. it would only make the tears pour again.

back to her story, it intrigued me the most to see the resemblance between us. ‘she created a site to pour her heart out’, isn’t this what this blog is for? ‘she kept calling him’, yes i did till i hear slightest sound of the ringing tone, thats when i hang up. ‘she never stopped thinking about him’, i know a lot of people who could back me up on this. ‘please come back to me’, i’d say it every time your face flashes through my mind.

no, my boyfriend did not die.. but i did lose him for a month, or even two. it was painful to watch you slip away right in front of my eyes and i couldn’t do anything. it was painful to know no one tried to prevent it on my behalf, but then again, no one who cared that much about me ever knew. it was painful to lose you to her, oh how i despised her. when you’re digging for the truth, you often won’t find it. probably because sometimes, it’s for the better of you. but when it does hit you, its like getting hit by a train while you’re tied to the tracks. painful and long.

those 30+ days were horrible. assignment week, exam month, cheer weekend. the most important time of the semester and i had to go through all that with a knife in my chest. that was a tad too emo but heh, you can relate to that feeling right? i remember having to strive to distract myself for as long as i was awake. i did. i went to school and saw as many friends as i could. i would come back at 10pm when i’d normally come back at 5pm. but as soon as i step into my room, i was reminded of everything. the truth, what we had, what we could’ve had, the reality of it all. i remember sleeping with tears and waking up with swollen eyes. having make up was pretty handy then.

i really do not know how i got through that or even, the time i was back home. all i do know is that, i got you back. by accident, by intention, by reason. and we’re here now. i realize that i’ve gotten of that roller coaster. no more adrenalin rush when you text me, no more moody depression when you don’t. i’m stable and we’re smooth, like a ferris wheel. it’s not the ride of your life, but it’s the ride that makes you realize everything around you, makes you think, makes you breathe.

the next few word would probably be the happiest ones in this whole blog, i love you :)

even when i wanted some peacful quiet time with someone i know and trust, it just had to be disruptedwith some kinda shit. oh scrath that, how about all the shit i could ever think of facing once im back. in one effing night, the father figure called twice to make sure i was sent home. you were jamming with him, kudos to her for initiating the idea and tagging along.

so yeah, thats it. all 3 people somehow cleverly twisted around my life, never failing to make me feel like the shit caught in between one’s tyre grooves.

i’m paranoid. i’m sensitive. i’m distracted.

i’m psycho

so maybe, i can continue with my plan without it backfiring. but whats the right result anyway?

yes take him back because it’s what you want but you’re gonna fuck up your life with neverending relationship problem stress on top of your school and cheer stress. no don’t take him back and pretty much lose your friends and reason to go back home, have thoughts haunt me every single day like how it has been since it happened, continue hiding 3000 miles away and continue wondering how you are.

i dont want to admit it.

and it’s still a struggle to convince myself to continue doing so. i think i’ve realised that i don’t want this. after more than a month of trying it out, it just isn’t working for me. i don’t want to not have you in my life. even if we don’t end up working, i think i’ll be happy watching you live your life from the sidelines.

should i fix it now? it’s a hectic time for me especially with cheer. i should be jumping in joy instead of pacing in distress. you’re off having fun since i assume it’s your semester break once again. i don’t wanna be a big spoiler and ruin your mood. i’m coming home soon but will that be too late?

“LOVE is like alcohol. drink a bit, you’ll feel high. you drink the right amount, you’re on cloud 9. you drink too much, you’re a goner. keep it in, you keep the pain and sourness. Throw it up, you’ll feel better. my advice? THROW IT ALL UP”

“people come and go, no one stays forever. Who does?”

“if this is your decision i can’t change your mind. i know nothing can influence you. Thanks for everything.”

though i did tell you that i don’t think i can let you be mine again, that doesn’t mean i’ve been wanting to. this is me trying to attempt to do something for my own good and ignore my feelings. how right can something be if you yourself don’t believe in it? like i’ve said once before, opinions will be considered but the final decision is mine to make. if it’s not the right one, i’ll deal with the consequences myself.

i want to hug you for as long as i can and let us be normal again for those 18 days, but once i leave for Melbourne, i think we ought to live our separate lives again.

you’re not the only one who can’t handle the distance but i’ve got different issues. i’ve slowly learnt to not demand for your 24 hours but it’s still pretty difficult for me. i’m scared of going psycho again.

next time you’re coke finishes call me,
i’ll refill so many times the kakak McD will be my bestie,
also call if your petrol metre reaches E,
but when you’re lost don’t ask the girl in the back seat.

24 December 2008. That was one unecessary road trip man. Aznam and I are sorry!

Now I’m sitting here
Thinking about you
And the days we used to share
It’s driving me crazy
I don’t know what to do
I’m just wondering if you still care
I don’t wanna let you know
That it’s killing me

It’s been too long and I’m lost without you
What am I gonna do?
Said I’ve been needing you, wanting you
Wondering if you’re the same and who’s been with you
Is your heart still mine?
I wanna cry sometimes
I miss you

i do realize the gravity of what you did. it stabs me everytime i think about what both of you were up to. i get into a rage everytime i see her face. the worst thing is, despite you and all you shit i just want to hug you and never let you go.